Today, Jeff decided to take the dog out for a walk with my eldest Marcus. Marcus declined the offer and said he wanted to stay home. Minutes later, Jeff suggested he take the littlest one with him. So both he and I got her ready and he ran out to the car to get her stroller. After arriving back at our place, Marcus insisted he go with. And so, together Jeff and I donned on their coats and bundled them up. Down the stairs of our townhouse they went. I ensured Jeff had the keys, bid them goodbye, shut the door and locked it behind me. Suddenly, I heard footsteps and whimpering behind me. It sounded like Marcus. I was sure he was going to make some excuse for being there, like he needed to go pee or something like that. But of course, I was mistaken… dad quickly told me he didn’t wanna go. I shut the door, and off daddy, daughter and dog went. I asked him why he was sad and why he didn’t wanna go and he said… “because mommy I miss you…” Sigh*
I scooped him up and we sat on the couch. I tried asking why he missed me. Was it because I’ve been spending more time with his teething sister? Or was it because I was away at work for a few hours today. It’s been over a week since I’ve been at work due to being sick. I figured since I’d been home for so long without going to work, perhaps my absence was making him miss me more. Once again, mistaken…he simply said “mommy, I miss you even when you’re here.”
My son misses me even when I’m not away. When I’m home he misses me. In the bathroom he misses me. Through the night he misses me. It’s a reminder that no matter near or far, he will always miss me and as his mom, I wanna be more available to him. I want be there to wipe his tears when he cries. I want to be his shelter for when he’s scared. I’ve noticed that he’s been verbalizing his needs more for me to cuddle him. Cuddling is what I used to comfort him when I had to stop breasteeding. When I had to go in for my most recent cancer treatment in April of 2013. When our relationship changed immensely. Cuddling is his comfort and lately I’ve been so focused on his sister that even cuddling has become less of a habit for him and I. The more I think about it, the more I feel sad that I’ve been lacking lately. I suppose that’s what mom guilt feels like!
So tonight after dinner, Marcus and I went on an evening walk. It was long enough to fulfill my whole life challenge exercise for the day. We talked about how much we liked and loved eachother. He told me that I spend just as much time with him, even though sometimes I feel the opposite. After his sister was born over a year ago, I always promised I would continue to spend time with him..just mommy and son time. I will continue to try to do this. To be present and make memories with him, just him and I. So that when he grows up, he’ll be able to remember our time together and he will know just how much I’ll miss him when he’s away doing his own things as an adult.
The night ended well afterall. We shared a lovely walk together. We spoke of how much we appreciated one another and he trained me on how to be a ninja in the dark! I know how to sneak up on a tree and do a jumping kick thanks to him!
I need to slow down and reassess my parenting. Focus on what’s right and positive and not sweat the small stuff. Be more present as much as possible and realize that today is what’s most important and we aren’t guaranteed a tomorrow. My kids are my constant reminder. And that is the way it’s supposed to be!
Have you felt mom guilt after having your second child? Get too busy and distracted? How do you deal with this?